The Vatican City Shuffle

 Posted by on February 12, 2013 at 11:34 PM
Feb 122013

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Mouse over the pic to pinch the next pope.

VATICAN CITY, ROME, ITALY —  The Pope’s Ruby Slippers hadn’t even gathered a bit of dust before funny hats started being tossed into the ring for next pope.  In a move that has the religious world’s tongues a wagging, Pope What’s His Name is resigning his infallibleness.  While in some cases the new papal wanna-bes are shocking, all of them are considered extreme long shots, since for starters some of then aren’t Catholic, and none of them happen to be Cardinals, a prerequisite for pope-dom.

That has not stopped an unseemly scramble for the Pope’s purse strings, and the political world was shocked when three— count’em, three— noxious Republicans made public their intentions within hours of each other.  South Carolina’s Lindsey Graham announced in a late Friday news dump that he would be seeking the papal throne and its ermine-trimmed gowns.  Needless to say that Tea Party primary was looking uglier all the time.  But the Associated Press had barely caught its balance when the SnowBilly Grifter launched a Friday night, three hour Twitter Fail Whale when she, or someone like her tweeted:

Palin's Pope TweetSarah “Don’t Retreat— Reload!” Palin wants to get in the Pope’s robes

Sarah Palin‘s interest in the papal position is not at all surprising, really, when you consider the enormous wardrobe and travel perks, and the 110 acre Vatican City— the smallest state in the world— may be more scalable to the ex-governor’s skill set than was mighty Alaska.  Still.  As a past and practiced Voodoo Evangelical, it’s hard to imagine those geriatric Cardinals would want Screech bitchin’ at’em  24/7.

Next beast out of the chute was converted Catholic and serial adulterer, Newton Leroy GingrichGingrich has never had a good grip on reality, but this self-indulgent foray to rule the quaint walled enclave in the middle of Rome is every bit as far beyond his grasp as Moon Base 1,  not to mention it has serious lifelong therapy written all over it.  Dump him now, Calista, while he still has income.

And speaking of income, one of the highest paid actors in the world, Nicholas Cage, astonished one or two Hollywood-types with his cavalier announcement today, saying: “Hey come on, I’m half Italian, and this “Peter” guy, who had the original church key, right? he wasn’t even half Italian, and I’m already a Catholic, and despite what the scurvy critics say, I can act and I’m not broke anymore, oh and I love costumes, castles, and expensive real estate.  Let’s do this, Cardinals—  pick me.  Ciao.”

After having run through most of his A list sponsors, Rush Limbaugh may be looking for a new gig, too, says his publicist, Howard Levey.  “Rushbo has grown, um, restless;  he’s tired of the chair all day, he’s got his eye on the Pope-mobile.”  Hyeah.  Lardass Limbaugh has “grown,” alright— too big for any chair.  Time for the stomach staples, windbag.

Not all the papal wannabes are corporeal. Chef Boy-Ar-Dee is certainly a household name in America, but snooty Italians, incensed over the very notion of “heat and serve,” were rioting in the streets twenty minutes after ConAgra Foods threw Boy-Ar-Dee’s toque blanche into the ring.  “Boy-Ar-Dee” is stupid English for Boiardi, a hard working Italian immigrant who built a pasta empire back when Americans would eat anything out of a can.  In a written press release, Boiardi reportedly said, “I love a the church. I like a very much to wave on the admirers, and Ima already used to wearing the silly hats.”

Father Guido Sarducci, surprise— also Italian— clearly has a more compelling case than the others for becoming the Pope, having long been affiliated with the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, sometimes called “The Vatican Enquirer.”  During a sparsely attended press conference at Luiggi’s Trattoria, the chain-smoking cleric was quick to insist to the press that his frequent clashes with his alter ego, “Pope Maurice,” as well as his 1981 arrest at the Vatican for “impersonating a priest,” should in no way diminish his chances to make the pontiff’s responsibilities his own.  He pointed out that many priests who had actually been ordained were also very guilty of “impersonating a priest.”

Sarducci concluded with this: “You know, if I could a just talk to his Holiness, Pope Benedict, just one single question, you know, I would ask him, I would say, “Your Holiness, if you could a be any animal in the world, what a would you be?”

Considered to be the most powerful wizard in the world by countless children, Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is described by his creator, Joanne K. Rowling, as the “epitome of goodness.”  She says Dumbledore speaks for her, as he “knows pretty much everything” about the (Harry Potter) universe.  And he already wears robes.  But more than anything else, Dumbledore believes in the good in everyone, and is said to have a deep capacity for love, frequently reminding Harry and his pals that love is the greatest magic of all.

Last and decidedly least, the perennially dickish Satan, is holding forth in Times Square, “The Crossroads of the World,” and insisting to anyone who will listen that the position was always his, and should be returned to him at once.  He spent the day passing out autographed stills of himself dressed as the pope;  the once powerful rebel had a small but captivated crowd of goth kids and metal punks gathered around him, until they scattered into the night when police showed up and ticketed him for smoking.  Not cigarettes, but, you know— his self.

So.  As the Cardinals pack for the Vatican, a crazy group of eight have each launched themselves on the misadventure of a lifetime, with a remarkable payoff if they should somehow succeed: becoming infallible, because, Doctrine!

Oh, and remember:

Groucho Got a Secret Word

Mittens On Satan’s Endorsement

 Posted by on May 29, 2012 at 8:01 PM
May 292012

Asked about receiving Satan‘s endorsement for his presidential run, the ever efficient Mitt Willard Romney recycled a response he gave when asked about his acceptance of Donald Birther Trump‘s support for his candidacy:

“You know, I don’t agree with all the people who support me, and my guess is they don’t all agree with everything I believe in. But I need to get 50.1 percent or more and I’m appreciative to have the help of a lot of good people.”

Mittens: A man who knows his numbers, and who will do whatever it takes to achieve his lifetime goal.


 Posted by on February 28, 2012 at 9:30 PM
Feb 282012

You won’t find SATAN Magazine just anywhere; that’s probably a good thing.
Yes, he threw up on himself.  If you wanna see the hurl, you must click it.

I’m always on the look-out for new benchmarks of Right Wing crazy, especially where it involves religious ideas.  But sometimes those “benchmarks” find me.

It was nearly lunchtime, and I was craving some tasty beef tongue tacos (lengua), and happened upon a Mexican grill in the little American burg of Cumming, Georgia.  Uh huh, a real place.  I slid into a brightly painted wooden booth next to a window, and lo, there on the seat was an unblemished copy of the March issue of “SATAN Magazine.”

I’m sure like me you’ve never even heard of it.  But there was the omnipresent Rick Santorum on the cover, looking all Jerry Seinfeld/Kenneth Parcell nut-waddled, being honored as “Liquid of the Year.”  Of course I had to take a peek inside, at least until the tongue tacos showed up.  And just, wow;  I was totally flummoxed by what I read.

Indeed, the cover story was written by Satan— or well, maybe, somebody just like him.  If you follow the news, you know that Santorum is being handed a pussload of  PR because of his penchant for placing Satan on such a high pedestal, one that actually allows him to launch “attacks” on the United States.  And Satan takes full credit for Santorum‘s willingness to blather on and on about him, as if Satan were somehow more powerful than God himself:

Rick Santorum:

If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?  There is no one else to go after other than the United States, [Often referred to as “The Great Satan” by certain middle eastern religious fanatics; coincidence?  I think not.] and that has been the case now for almost two hundred years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.

He [Satan] didn’t have much success in the early days. [Hmmm;  just forget that Adam and Eve, knowledge of good and evil bullshit;  oh, and that murdering-of-the-Son-of-God-thing; I’m sure anyone as powerful as Rick thinks Satan is didn’t have a thing to do with that, either.] Our great foundation was very strong, in fact, is very strong [Despite how currently destroyed the rest of the nation’s house supposedly is.]  But over time, that great, acidic quality of time corrodes even the strongest foundations. [Huh; well I guess we’re just all doomed then?] And Satan has done so [I know—what the fuck has “that great, acidic quality of time” got to do with Satan…] by attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality[which, after all, if truth be told, were possibilities created by God’s gift of freewill choice, eh?] as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has [sic] so deeply rooted in the great American tradition.

He was successful.  He attacks all of us and he attacks all of our institutions.  The place where he was, in my mind, [really?? In your mind??] the most successful and first successful [sic] was in academia. He understood pride [sic]of smart people. He attacked them at their weakest, that they were, in fact, smarter than everybody else and could come up with something new and different. [That’s right, truth is actually frozen in ancient biblical times, how dare anyone think the Spirit of Truth— the “teacher” Paul says was sent by Christ— has anything new to teach succeeding generations.]  Pursue new truths, deny the existence of truth, play with it because they’re smart. And so academia, a long time ago, fell. [Except for Rick’s professors; they were unswayed by Satan, all worth listening to, and thus his three degrees are perfectly valid and not at all snobbish or elitist.]

And you say “what could be the impact of academia falling?” Well, I would have the argument that the other structures that I’m going to talk about here had root of their destruction because of academia.  [Education bad!  Ignorance good!]  Because what academia does is educate the elites in our society, [Except me…] educates the leaders in our society, particularly at the college level.  And they were the first to fall.  [Hear me today, and believe me tomorrow: Except, like I already tried to tell you— why are you so stupid??— for Rick’s professors, who were immune to Satan’s sophistries, and thus Rick‘s three degrees do NOT make him an elitist smarty-pants.]

And so what we saw this [sic] domino effect, once the colleges fell and those who were being education [sic] in our institutions, the next was the church, because Satan can only concentrate on one of our great institutions at a time.  Now you’d say, ‘wait, the Catholic Church’?  No. [The Catholics were apparently immune to any Satanic influence.] We all know that this great country was founded on a Judeo-Christian ethic, but the Judeo-Christian ethic was a Protestant Judeo-Christian ethic, sure, the Catholics had some influence, but this was a Protestant country and the Protestant ethic, mainstream, mainline Protestantism, and of course we look at the shape of mainline Protestantism in this country and it is in shambles, it is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it. [Is that the mother of all run-on sentences or what?!?]  So they [the bad, liberal, fallen college professors] attacked mainline Protestantism, they attacked the Church, and what better way to go after smart people who also believe they’re pious, [But aren’t really even as smart as Rick Santorum, yo—] to use both vanity and pride to also go after the Church.

After that, you start destroying the Church and you start destroying academia, [Huh?? But I thought you said… oh fuck never mind.] the culture is where their [WTF? Who is “their”?? All the Satanic minions?] next success was and I need not even go into the state of the popular culture today.  Whether its [sic] sensuality of vanity of the famous in America, [Okay, now do try to get that: “sensuality of vanity of the famous in America” …] they are peacocks on display and they have taken their poor behavior and made it fashionable. [He’s lookin’ right at you, Hollywood liberal Mother Fuckers!]  The corruption of culture, the corruption of manners, [Yes “manners,” you pigs.] the corruption of decency is now on display whether it’s the NBA [Oh, the heartbreak of evil tattoos!] or whether it’s a rock concert [Put those fucking lighters away, you imbeciles.] or whether it’s on a movie set. [ Yeah, ANY movie set. Moving pictures = pure EVIL. ]

The fourth, and this was harder, now I know you’re going to challenge me on this one, but politics and government [Isn’t that “fourth” and fifth?] was the next to fall.  You say, ‘You would think they would be the first to fall, as fallible as we are in politics,’ [What? The? Fuck? You mean it’s not Satan’s fault after all that???  You’re a fucking lunatic, dude.] but people in political life get elected by ordinary folks from lots of places all over the country where the foundations of this country are still strong. So while we may certainly have had examples, the body politic held up fairly well up until the last couple of decades, but it is falling too.

I know what you’re thinking.

Where the hell are those tacos…

Satan Slams Santorum

 Posted by on February 23, 2012 at 9:22 AM
Feb 232012

Satan lost his cool on Capital Hill again; and hell yes his pants were on fire.

CAPITAL HILL, WASHINGTON D.C. —  An angrier than usual Satan held forth nearly thirty minutes in the Capital Rotunda earlier today, repeatedly blasting Republican presidential candidate Richard John Santorum as a “pussified Christian wanna-be” who has frequently tried to use Satan’s fearsome notoriety to win over low information Christians voters.

The cosmically insane but ever popular Christian icon was again being interviewed by FAUX NEWS when his fiery shouting attracted numerous other journos in the rotunda, including us.

The most recent furor apparently began earlier in the week when Right Wing Watch published excerpts from a 2008 Santorum speech in which he made a number of surprisingly specific statements regarding the fallen angelic rebel’s plans:

“Satan has his sights on the United States of America!  Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has [sic] so deeply rooted in the American tradition.

“This is a spiritual war.  And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on:  a good, decent, powerful, influential country — the United States of America.  If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?  There is no one else to go after other than the United States, and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

We couldn’t help but stick our mic into the conversation too:

SATAN:  “Ricky Santorum is no more a Christian than I am, you fools!  He’s a pussified Christian wanna-be who doesn’t have a fucking clue what I “set my sights on.”

FAUX NEWS: Well, if your sights are not set on America, what are they set on?

SATAN:  Rick Santorum, you imbecile!

FAUX NEWS:  Ah.  So, if I could explain how—

SATAN(interrupts) NO!!  Just Shut the Fuck Up!  This is my interview.

FAUX NEWS: But I didn’t—

SATAN: (interrupts) You didn’t understand, did you;  because like all mortals, you’re hopelessly fucking ignorant!  Are you still drinking your own fucking cool aid over there at FUX?!? 

Listen to me— I work exclusively with Republicans up here!  Do I have to tell you every time I appear on your backward fucking network that it’s the sulfurous smelling GOPPERS who are the one’s hell-bent on the destruction of the United States?!? 

It’s narcissistic nincompoops like Newton Leroy and wanton washed-up Wackbots like Willard Mittless who are the ones willing to put their selfish personal ambitions ahead of everything— everything!  Is this thing on?!?  Especially the shameless exploitation of their ignorant fucking fellow creatures!  Iiiiii love it!

But it’s truly stupid fundies like Ricky-boy “Pride, Vanity, and Sensuality” Santorum that give ME all the credit for all your own backward fucking mistakes, including every single thing your very own almighty God is doing!!  It’s just insanely Awesome!!  There’s just no fucking way I can refuse such a gift horse—  and speaking of horses, have you actually looked at this guy?!?  I mean yeah,  I have a few bad teeth, but have you seen this guy’s teeth !?!?  Hilarious!

Satan claims he is responsible for making Rick Santorum like telling the “dog pee story.”

FAUX NEWS: It sounds to me like you believe Mr. Santorum’s religious hyperbole is really—

SATAN: (interrupts) Don’t you know who the fuck I am??  How would you like some genital herpes and a foreclosed mortgage?  Do you understand that it’s MY power and influence that makes moron Santorum stand up in front of adults and brag about an incontinent chihuahua pissing all over him?  Dooo you??

FAUX NEWS:  That’s amusing, whatever, okay, but on another topic sir, have you spoken with the anti-Christ Barack Hussein Obama, regarding your plans to begin the Apocalypse?

SATAN: (rubs his forehead before responding)  You know, if I had known just how fucking crazy you Contards would get when I started cultivating hate and fear over at FUX, I would have just sautéed your nutsacks with a Williams-Sonoma kitchen torch until you couldn’t scream anymore.
I am so done with you.*

*It is a widely accepted belief that Satan is actually under contract with Fox News Network, and makes increasingly frequent trips to Capital Hill at their invitation; they can’t seem to get enough of the fear and outrage it generates in their audience base, and the subsequent increase in their ratings.

Satan Stands With Newt

 Posted by on January 23, 2012 at 9:00 PM
Jan 232012

The Newter sneaks a glance at his bossman’s flag pin; or was it just tie envy. If you wanna see Newt’s rouge, you must click it.


COLUMBIA, S.C. —  Former Luciferian stooge and disgraced fallen angel Satan made a rare personal appearance alongside his boy Newton Leroy Gingrich, and used the occasion to deliver some satanic fire and brimstone on Gingrich’s behalf to a noisy room full of inebriated supporters.

“Newt Gingrich won South Carolina, he will crush Romney and the remaining clown car in Florida, and he will annihilate them in all the other states with a preponderance of racist crackers like you,” jeered the prince of darkness;  the witless crowd roared its approval.

A tubby and imperious Newt stood tight-lipped as Satan continued his incendiary remarks:  “Newt Gingrich is not— as the notorious religious cultist Willard Romney would have you believe, an immoral, hypocritical, womanizing pudge-ball.   I tell you that Newton Leroy Gingrich just happens to be history’s finest example of an amoral narcissistic elitist ever produced by American politics, and that’s why he has my complete support.”

Satan continued, “Romney has been campaigning for five years and has never created any heat, because he has not asked for my help.  But with my support, Newt Gingrich will  bring the heat— and turn your backward little democracy into a giant inferno of change.”

As any knowledgeable historian knows, Satan is popularly known as the personification of evil and is a powerful Christian icon;  more recently he has been a familiar face on Capital Hill.  This was apparently his first public appearance with Gingrich since a mysterious superpac began running ads on South Carolina media claiming Gingrich has made a deal with the Devil for the Republican Party presidential nomination.

Satan refused to take any questions, but did volunteer that without his wicked bad support, Gingrich would be just another lying pseudo-historian/lobbyist loser, and predicted that if conservatives and other fringy ideologues were foolish enough to select Romney, he would go on to lose the 2012 election to Barack Obama in a spectacular landslide.

He concluded his remarks with a long personification of evil glare, saying, “You’ve been warned.”

The Devil Is In The Details

 Posted by on October 14, 2011 at 9:40 AM
Oct 142011

Jumping up and down like a demon-possessed succubus in a devilishly daring Satan suit, Michele Bachmann gave Herman Cain a little taste of hell on earth as he met with a couple of his top 9-9-9 advisers, Little Caesar, and Charles “Chucky” Chiez. 

Herman Cain likes to say, “Surround yourself with the right people.”  And, if it turns out they’re not the right people, well, “blame yourself.”  Or blame Michele Bachmann, who has insinuated that Cain may be surrounding himself with the Devil;  apparently all you have to do to see this is true is turn Cain’s “9-9-9” upside down.

Bachmann appeared uninvited and out of nowhere at a recent Herman Cain “Off The Plantation” fundraiser, dressed in a Foxy-looking Halloween costume complete with plastic pitchfork and satinet horns. Her insinuation was, obviously, of course, most assuredly, for reals, a joke…  Until you remember that Bachmann believes the devil is no joke— he’s real, red, and doughy-looking, and he can somehow invade the human mind to influence the decisions of human beings— especially her political opponents.

Well, for the moment, forget that Michele Bachmann is run-away screaming crazy, and a victim of Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia (pronounced:  hexa koseeoi hexe konta hexaphobia).  And forget the fact that a presidential candidate thinks joking about the number 666 as the “sign of the beast” is taken seriously outside of Bachmann’s church.

And while we’re forgetting Republican presidential candidate gaffes, forget that Cain’s 9-9-9 plan has been called a “distributional monstrosity.”  Forget that the poor would pay still more tax from their meager income, and the rich would have their already ridiculously low taxes cut even more.  Forget that Cain still refuses to give the details of his plan.  Forget that he won’t ever be able to tell you who the president of “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan” is.  But.  He can tell you that a couple of his closest economic advisers, Little Caesar, and Charles “Chucky” Cheiz, neither of which is a real economist, have provided him with a devilishly simple tax system that bears a striking resemblance to the one in SimCity 4.

Speaking to reporters between gulps of devil pizza and jumbo buckets of coke at the Koch Brothers Plantation, Mr. Caesar put it this way: “An easy to understand, three digit taxation system like Nine-Nine-Nine will allow 99% of Americans to focus on having fun thwarting giant lizard attacks, rather than be buried by overly complex financial systems.”

And speaking of “buried,” it’s a good time to remember just how much it’s going to cost you and your loved ones to take a comfy dirt nap under Cain’s Nine-Nine-Nine tax system.  Let’s say you’ve eaten your last devil pizza after exhausting the family’s life savings fighting, oh, say, esophageal cancer.  You need an eighteen gauge steel casket with a light pink velvet interior, with free ground shipping.  Under the current inequitable tax system, the average 99%er pays 14% tax on that $900 dollar bone box, or $1026.  Under the Herminator‘s 9-9-9 plan, you’ll be paying 27%— or $1143.

Even using Michele Bachmann‘s upside-down math practices, a Tea Party sap should be able to figure out that extra $117 will buy you a hell of a lot more pizza.


 Posted by on May 19, 2011 at 10:38 AM
May 192011


By now, consummate Newt Watchers have already seen the setup smear-job on presidential candidate Gingrich in the lobby of a Dubuque, Iowa hotel.  But shocked advisers for Gingrich are crying foul, saying it wasn’t just some “disgruntled, overweight, vicious Republican impersonator” who attacked Mr. Gingrich, but was, in fact, Satan himself.

The Gingrich For President Committee released this photo early today, claiming it is an un-retouched still taken from video footage of the encounter.
(If you want to see the slime, you must click it.)

A Gingrich spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, brandished the photo (above) in front of several reporters at a Dubuque watering hole, saying that “the Devil” apparently was unable to completely conceal his nefarious identity, claiming “independent researchers” had discovered a single frame of video footage of the event that clearly revealed the image of Satan, complete with a copious amount of ectoplasmic slime— a supernatural viscous substance that is said to exude from the body of evil spirits.

However, within 24 hours of the release of the photo, other, slightly more “independent researchers”— unaffiliated with the Gingrich campaign— determined that no other video accounts of the event they had examined showed the image of anyone other than Mr. Russell Fuhrman holding the hand of Mr. Gingrich.

Gingrich drew even more unwanted attention as he quickly exited the establishment, when a comely woman dressed as a Catholic nun began repeatedly shouting, “I want to have your love child!” and had to be physically restrained from touching Gingrich.