Clintonialism

 Posted by on April 27, 2016 at 1:09 PM
Apr 272016
 

Queen Hillary

Queen Hillary, trying on her colonial robes

From the Devil Caligastia’s* Dictionary:

Clintonialism: a neo neocon foreign policy steeped in intervention, war, regime change, and nation building. See also: Iraq, Libya, Syria.

As the general election draws nigh, with Hillary Clinton poised to become the next Commander in Chief, it behooves us to consider what that might mean for future American quagmires ―  foreign entanglements characterized by massive public expenditures in blood and treasure.

Clinton was an avid enthusiast of all the three disasters cited above. For someone who has been around as long as she has, with her detailed access to the particulars of these failed experiments in American exceptionalism, you’d think she would have learned something about the law of unintended consequences.

Admitting one is wrong on issues that has caused untold suffering is one thing. But how much harder will it be for someone who has achieved the the most powerful office in the world?

Meet the old boss. Same as the old boss.

Elephant DungA youthful Hillary in her job as a Goldwater Girl, cleaning up after Republican messes, now in a position to create her own.

—-

*Caligastia is described in The Urantia Book as the technical devil mentioned in the Bible. He is a character distinct from Satan and Lucifer, also individuals central to a system wide civil war designated as The Lucifer Rebellion, the legacy of which we continue to endure.

Is Donald Drumpf Lord of the Flies?

 Posted by on March 11, 2016 at 2:36 PM
Mar 112016
 

LordOfTheFlies

Donald Drumpf as the Lord of the Flies

 Introduction

In our previous efforts to explain the Trump Phenomenon (see herehere, and here), we’ve used Fox News, Mary Shelley’s novel Frankenstein (1818), and the cult hit film Ghostbusters (1984) as reference points. It is the scene from Ghostbusterswhere Dr Ray Stantz (Dan Aykroyd) is unable to control his unconscious fear and unwittingly provides a new destructive form for the beastly other-worldly avenger, Gozer the Traveler, which provides the segue to our next literary work to mine: William Golding’s classic 1954 novel Lord of the Flies. And should Drumpf carry through with his recent threat to start acting presidential, we might have to do a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde take-off as well. God help us all.

While last night’s debate seemed to be a step in that direction, Drumpf’s  record of bullying and incitement will hang around his neck like a rotten fish. In an incident last August two Boston area men attacked a homeless Latino guy with a metal pipe and then urinated on him, telling police:

“Donald Trump was right. All these illegals need to be deported.”

For the record, the man was in the country legally. Then two weeks ago at a  Trump rally in Las Vegas, his speech was interrupted by one or more protesters, a common occurrence these days. As a protester was being dragged out of the arena, Dumpster Drumpfster shouted into his microphone:

I’d like to punch him in the face…He’s smiling, having a good time…In the old days,” he added, protesters would be “carried out on stretchers. We’re not allowed to push back anymore.” 

Well, he got his wish, by proxy. Last Saturday night in North Carolina, a protester was being led by police out of the aren when he was ambushed by a 78 yer old, pony-tailed, cowboy hatted man, as he passed by. In the videotape below, the attacker, John McGraw, hits the victim,  Rakeem Jones, with an elbow strike to the side of his head. McGraw, who wasn’t arrested at  the scene, watches as Jones is dragged away by the police as if he is the perp and not the victim  The five or so police that were within a few feet of the incident tried to pull the old Sergeant “I see nothing!” Schultz routine; that is, until a video surfaced that clearly showed the assault.

A Drumpf supporter cold-cocks a black protester. Wow, what courage.

Asked afterwards if he had any regrets, McGraw replied no. After intimating that Jones might have been a Muslim terrorist, McGraw doubled down, saying:

“Next time we see him, we might have to kill him.”

In last night’s debate, Trump defended his various provocations, saying they were “very, very appropriate.” But it’s not just his supporters that are succumbing to the Drumpf’s bullying and incitement. In the previous debate, a desperate Marco Rubio precipitated a dick measuring contest over a question about the size of Drumpf’s hands; and Ted Cruz joined in what turned out to be the GOP’s rendition of a schoolyard brawl, laced with adolescent taunts and insults.

Drumpf’s strategy seems to be to ratchet up the public’s sense of fear and anxiety about everyone from terrorists to immigrants to Muslims going to school or vacationing in the U.S., and then say: “Who’s your daddy? Who’s going to protect you? Little Marco? That ‘pussy,’  Lying Ted Cruz?”

Lord of the Flies

Which brings us to the Lord of the Flies. (Required reading for Drumpf campaign strategists and available as an appendix to the Donald Drumpf Playbook of World Domination.)  The story begins with a group of young boys who crash-land on a deserted island and are forced to create some semblance of a social order until they can be rescued by adults. Though they start off well, electing a leader and creating a basic division of labor, things deteriorate as fear of “the beast” replaces rationality. A large number of them devolve from civilized creatures into outright savages, culminating in the murder of two young boys whose respective intelligence and compassion are seen as “foreign,” as “other.”

(I’ll assume that most readers are familiar with the basic story, as it was required school reading for most of us. But for those who aren’t, or in need of a refresh, the basic plot points and an exploration of its rather complicated themes and symbolism will be supplied in a subsequent post. For instance, literary critics still debate whether the story is a religious or a Freudian allegory.)

Reported sightings of the Beast initiate a search and destroy mission, led by the character who most resembles Drumpf, a self-asserted leader by the name of Jack. Jack probably doesn’t even believe that the Beast is real, but he does realize how the fear of it can be used to concentrate influence and power into his hands. As the leader of the hunting tribe (comprised of boys who much prefer the excitement of stalking and bloodletting to the drudgeries of community building), Jack leads them on a mission to find and kill the Beast. Their failure to locate it or its lair is rationalized by the theory that it is actually and animal-ghost hybrid, which becomes a fear force multiplier.

The boys do kill a large pig on their first night out. They cut off its head and put it on a steak as a sacrificial offering to the Beast. Later, as the head decomposes in the hot jungle sun, it is suffused by a large cloud of flies, giving the book its title. (Lord of the Flies is the literal translation of the Biblical name for an evil, mischievous spirit by the name of Beezlebub.*) One of the boys, Simon, contemplates the pig’s head and the fear it represents. The head appears to talk to him, revealing that the Beast itself does not exist, but is the externalization of the boys’ own primitive fears being made manifest. When Simon shares this insight with the other boys, he is roundly rejected and then ritualistically murdered.(Apparently just as haters gotta hate, fear mongers gotta fear.)

Moral of the story as applied to Drumpf’s political campaign: Be careful what you ask for.

Foreign Policy Implications

Imagine how Drumpf’s authoritarian bullying would play out on the world stage if he were to become the executor of US foreign policy. He has cited approvingly a statement by the Italian fascist dictator Benito Mussolini that” It is better to live one day as a lion than one hundred years as a sheep.” And he seems anxious to cultivate his budding bromance with the Russian dictator, Vladamir Putin, which Huffpo describes as follows:

As if the Republican Presidential race wasn’t strange enough already, we recently witnessed Russian President Vladimir Putin praising, of all people, Donald Trump. Putin called Trump a brilliant and talented leader who is colorful and “the absolute front-runner in the presidential race.” Trump already in an earlier remark said that he would “probably get along very well” with Putin.

Speaking of authoritarians, it’s no wonder that one of Drumpf’s supporters is Donald Duke, the head of the clueless Klu Klux Klan. Then of course there is Drumpf’s signature foreign policy initiative: building a YUGE wall across the US-Mexican border to keep all those the rapists, murderers, and drug dealers out. And getting Mexico to pay for it, of course. If you believe that, I’ve got a case of Trump Steaks to sell ya.

Media Consequences

If Donald Drumpf can be symbolized as a rotting pig’s head, then the media-industrial-complex can be compared to a hoard of buzzing flies feeding off its rotten flesh. Take the case of Melissa Harris Perry and MSNBC. Though Perry didn’t explicitly cite MSNBC’s relentless Drumpf coverage as a reason for walking away from her fours-hours-a-weak hosting gig, given that the network had preempted her show twice to cover the presidential political races (without even the courtesy of a heads-up to her and her loyal audience of self-described nerds); and given that Drumpf receives the vast amount of coverage compared to other candidatessomething like 5 to 1 by all the networksit’s not hard to conclude that Perry, one of the smartest cable teevee hosts in the business, was a Drumpfian casualty.

For a taste of how MSNBC is doing business these days, consider this from the Sun-Times:

During the middle of a seasoned journalist’s critique on the scope of reporting that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has received, MSNBC cut the programming to give Donald Trump more coverage.

New York Times political reporter Nick Confessore was saying that the bombastic candidate has dominated news outlets to gain free airtime when the station cut to a rally where the candidate was giving one of his stump speeches.

“Every time he opens his mouth, he’s on national TV,” Confessore said, before getting cut off.

Summary

Trump’s use of vitriolic rhetoric against Muslims, Mexicans, immigrants, as well as his misogynistic statements  against women, is pushing bullying, prejudice, and incitement to new heights. Which of course fits the present zeitgeist perfectly, because it is precisely the intolerance and fear of The Other that is a major Bogeyman of Trump supporters. On Drumpf Island,  his tribe finds license to “go native.”

History, and literature,  is rife with unethical, unscrupulous individuals and characters. Deception, lies, manipulation,and subterfuge are their stock-in-trade. That so many real-life individuals gravitate toward one particular party over the other, I will let political scientists explain. For now, they are almost exclusively concentrated in the Republican party, which is on the verge of tearing itself apart. The center cannot hold, as Yeats described it.

After enduring decades of manipulation and lies by the fear-mongering Republican establishmentTrump being just the latest, unplugged manifestation thereofit will be fascinating to see if the GOP electorate finally says: Enough is enough!

How long can the fear card be played? FDR said: We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Jesus proclaimed: Fear not. And as The Urantia Book puts it:

Few persons live up to the faith which they really have. Unreasoned fear is a master intellectual fraud practiced upon the evolving mortal soul.

*Beelzebub is described in The Urantia Book as a key lieutenant of the planet’s rebellious Planetary Prince, Caligastia; i.e., the actual, historical Devil. Beelzebub was in charge of a group of rebellious, mischevous midwayers, so named because they occupy a dimension of reality midway between humans and angels. Midwayers can interact with physical reality and have control over the beasts of the realm, whilst angels  do not. For example, it was (the good) midwayers who provided  protection for Daniel in the lion’s den;  and it was they who rolled back the stone door in front of Lazarus‘s tomb. Pursuant to the incarnation of Christ Michael on Urantia 2000 years ago, Beelzebub and his mischievous followers were rendered inoperative; that is, taken into custody by the agents of the Ancients of Days, the latter being the equivalent of the superuniverse Supreme Court. (For a functional approximation of the said agents, envision Gort from the film The Day the Earth Stood Still.)
———–

 

 

The Vatican City Shuffle

 Posted by on February 12, 2013 at 11:34 PM
Feb 122013
 

[slideshow_deploy id=’33056′]
Mouse over the pic to pinch the next pope.

VATICAN CITY, ROME, ITALY —  The Pope’s Ruby Slippers hadn’t even gathered a bit of dust before funny hats started being tossed into the ring for next pope.  In a move that has the religious world’s tongues a wagging, Pope What’s His Name is resigning his infallibleness.  While in some cases the new papal wanna-bes are shocking, all of them are considered extreme long shots, since for starters some of then aren’t Catholic, and none of them happen to be Cardinals, a prerequisite for pope-dom.

That has not stopped an unseemly scramble for the Pope’s purse strings, and the political world was shocked when three— count’em, three— noxious Republicans made public their intentions within hours of each other.  South Carolina’s Lindsey Graham announced in a late Friday news dump that he would be seeking the papal throne and its ermine-trimmed gowns.  Needless to say that Tea Party primary was looking uglier all the time.  But the Associated Press had barely caught its balance when the SnowBilly Grifter launched a Friday night, three hour Twitter Fail Whale when she, or someone like her tweeted:

Palin's Pope TweetSarah “Don’t Retreat— Reload!” Palin wants to get in the Pope’s robes

Sarah Palin‘s interest in the papal position is not at all surprising, really, when you consider the enormous wardrobe and travel perks, and the 110 acre Vatican City— the smallest state in the world— may be more scalable to the ex-governor’s skill set than was mighty Alaska.  Still.  As a past and practiced Voodoo Evangelical, it’s hard to imagine those geriatric Cardinals would want Screech bitchin’ at’em  24/7.

Next beast out of the chute was converted Catholic and serial adulterer, Newton Leroy GingrichGingrich has never had a good grip on reality, but this self-indulgent foray to rule the quaint walled enclave in the middle of Rome is every bit as far beyond his grasp as Moon Base 1,  not to mention it has serious lifelong therapy written all over it.  Dump him now, Calista, while he still has income.

And speaking of income, one of the highest paid actors in the world, Nicholas Cage, astonished one or two Hollywood-types with his cavalier announcement today, saying: “Hey come on, I’m half Italian, and this “Peter” guy, who had the original church key, right? he wasn’t even half Italian, and I’m already a Catholic, and despite what the scurvy critics say, I can act and I’m not broke anymore, oh and I love costumes, castles, and expensive real estate.  Let’s do this, Cardinals—  pick me.  Ciao.”

After having run through most of his A list sponsors, Rush Limbaugh may be looking for a new gig, too, says his publicist, Howard Levey.  “Rushbo has grown, um, restless;  he’s tired of the chair all day, he’s got his eye on the Pope-mobile.”  Hyeah.  Lardass Limbaugh has “grown,” alright— too big for any chair.  Time for the stomach staples, windbag.

Not all the papal wannabes are corporeal. Chef Boy-Ar-Dee is certainly a household name in America, but snooty Italians, incensed over the very notion of “heat and serve,” were rioting in the streets twenty minutes after ConAgra Foods threw Boy-Ar-Dee’s toque blanche into the ring.  “Boy-Ar-Dee” is stupid English for Boiardi, a hard working Italian immigrant who built a pasta empire back when Americans would eat anything out of a can.  In a written press release, Boiardi reportedly said, “I love a the church. I like a very much to wave on the admirers, and Ima already used to wearing the silly hats.”

Father Guido Sarducci, surprise— also Italian— clearly has a more compelling case than the others for becoming the Pope, having long been affiliated with the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, sometimes called “The Vatican Enquirer.”  During a sparsely attended press conference at Luiggi’s Trattoria, the chain-smoking cleric was quick to insist to the press that his frequent clashes with his alter ego, “Pope Maurice,” as well as his 1981 arrest at the Vatican for “impersonating a priest,” should in no way diminish his chances to make the pontiff’s responsibilities his own.  He pointed out that many priests who had actually been ordained were also very guilty of “impersonating a priest.”

Sarducci concluded with this: “You know, if I could a just talk to his Holiness, Pope Benedict, just one single question, you know, I would ask him, I would say, “Your Holiness, if you could a be any animal in the world, what a would you be?”

Considered to be the most powerful wizard in the world by countless children, Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is described by his creator, Joanne K. Rowling, as the “epitome of goodness.”  She says Dumbledore speaks for her, as he “knows pretty much everything” about the (Harry Potter) universe.  And he already wears robes.  But more than anything else, Dumbledore believes in the good in everyone, and is said to have a deep capacity for love, frequently reminding Harry and his pals that love is the greatest magic of all.

Last and decidedly least, the perennially dickish Satan, is holding forth in Times Square, “The Crossroads of the World,” and insisting to anyone who will listen that the position was always his, and should be returned to him at once.  He spent the day passing out autographed stills of himself dressed as the pope;  the once powerful rebel had a small but captivated crowd of goth kids and metal punks gathered around him, until they scattered into the night when police showed up and ticketed him for smoking.  Not cigarettes, but, you know— his self.

So.  As the Cardinals pack for the Vatican, a crazy group of eight have each launched themselves on the misadventure of a lifetime, with a remarkable payoff if they should somehow succeed: becoming infallible, because, Doctrine!

Oh, and remember:

Groucho Got a Secret Word

Mittens On Satan’s Endorsement

 Posted by on May 29, 2012 at 8:01 PM
May 292012
 


Asked about receiving Satan‘s endorsement for his presidential run, the ever efficient Mitt Willard Romney recycled a response he gave when asked about his acceptance of Donald Birther Trump‘s support for his candidacy:

“You know, I don’t agree with all the people who support me, and my guess is they don’t all agree with everything I believe in. But I need to get 50.1 percent or more and I’m appreciative to have the help of a lot of good people.”

Mittens: A man who knows his numbers, and who will do whatever it takes to achieve his lifetime goal.

LIQUID OF THE YEAR

 Posted by on February 28, 2012 at 9:30 PM
Feb 282012
 

You won’t find SATAN Magazine just anywhere; that’s probably a good thing.
Yes, he threw up on himself.  If you wanna see the hurl, you must click it.

I’m always on the look-out for new benchmarks of Right Wing crazy, especially where it involves religious ideas.  But sometimes those “benchmarks” find me.

It was nearly lunchtime, and I was craving some tasty beef tongue tacos (lengua), and happened upon a Mexican grill in the little American burg of Cumming, Georgia.  Uh huh, a real place.  I slid into a brightly painted wooden booth next to a window, and lo, there on the seat was an unblemished copy of the March issue of “SATAN Magazine.”

I’m sure like me you’ve never even heard of it.  But there was the omnipresent Rick Santorum on the cover, looking all Jerry Seinfeld/Kenneth Parcell nut-waddled, being honored as “Liquid of the Year.”  Of course I had to take a peek inside, at least until the tongue tacos showed up.  And just, wow;  I was totally flummoxed by what I read.

Indeed, the cover story was written by Satan— or well, maybe, somebody just like him.  If you follow the news, you know that Santorum is being handed a pussload of  PR because of his penchant for placing Satan on such a high pedestal, one that actually allows him to launch “attacks” on the United States.  And Satan takes full credit for Santorum‘s willingness to blather on and on about him, as if Satan were somehow more powerful than God himself:

Rick Santorum:

If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?  There is no one else to go after other than the United States, [Often referred to as “The Great Satan” by certain middle eastern religious fanatics; coincidence?  I think not.] and that has been the case now for almost two hundred years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.

He [Satan] didn’t have much success in the early days. [Hmmm;  just forget that Adam and Eve, knowledge of good and evil bullshit;  oh, and that murdering-of-the-Son-of-God-thing; I’m sure anyone as powerful as Rick thinks Satan is didn’t have a thing to do with that, either.] Our great foundation was very strong, in fact, is very strong [Despite how currently destroyed the rest of the nation’s house supposedly is.]  But over time, that great, acidic quality of time corrodes even the strongest foundations. [Huh; well I guess we’re just all doomed then?] And Satan has done so [I know—what the fuck has “that great, acidic quality of time” got to do with Satan…] by attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality[which, after all, if truth be told, were possibilities created by God’s gift of freewill choice, eh?] as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has [sic] so deeply rooted in the great American tradition.

He was successful.  He attacks all of us and he attacks all of our institutions.  The place where he was, in my mind, [really?? In your mind??] the most successful and first successful [sic] was in academia. He understood pride [sic]of smart people. He attacked them at their weakest, that they were, in fact, smarter than everybody else and could come up with something new and different. [That’s right, truth is actually frozen in ancient biblical times, how dare anyone think the Spirit of Truth— the “teacher” Paul says was sent by Christ— has anything new to teach succeeding generations.]  Pursue new truths, deny the existence of truth, play with it because they’re smart. And so academia, a long time ago, fell. [Except for Rick’s professors; they were unswayed by Satan, all worth listening to, and thus his three degrees are perfectly valid and not at all snobbish or elitist.]

And you say “what could be the impact of academia falling?” Well, I would have the argument that the other structures that I’m going to talk about here had root of their destruction because of academia.  [Education bad!  Ignorance good!]  Because what academia does is educate the elites in our society, [Except me…] educates the leaders in our society, particularly at the college level.  And they were the first to fall.  [Hear me today, and believe me tomorrow: Except, like I already tried to tell you— why are you so stupid??— for Rick’s professors, who were immune to Satan’s sophistries, and thus Rick‘s three degrees do NOT make him an elitist smarty-pants.]

And so what we saw this [sic] domino effect, once the colleges fell and those who were being education [sic] in our institutions, the next was the church, because Satan can only concentrate on one of our great institutions at a time.  Now you’d say, ‘wait, the Catholic Church’?  No. [The Catholics were apparently immune to any Satanic influence.] We all know that this great country was founded on a Judeo-Christian ethic, but the Judeo-Christian ethic was a Protestant Judeo-Christian ethic, sure, the Catholics had some influence, but this was a Protestant country and the Protestant ethic, mainstream, mainline Protestantism, and of course we look at the shape of mainline Protestantism in this country and it is in shambles, it is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it. [Is that the mother of all run-on sentences or what?!?]  So they [the bad, liberal, fallen college professors] attacked mainline Protestantism, they attacked the Church, and what better way to go after smart people who also believe they’re pious, [But aren’t really even as smart as Rick Santorum, yo—] to use both vanity and pride to also go after the Church.

After that, you start destroying the Church and you start destroying academia, [Huh?? But I thought you said… oh fuck never mind.] the culture is where their [WTF? Who is “their”?? All the Satanic minions?] next success was and I need not even go into the state of the popular culture today.  Whether its [sic] sensuality of vanity of the famous in America, [Okay, now do try to get that: “sensuality of vanity of the famous in America” …] they are peacocks on display and they have taken their poor behavior and made it fashionable. [He’s lookin’ right at you, Hollywood liberal Mother Fuckers!]  The corruption of culture, the corruption of manners, [Yes “manners,” you pigs.] the corruption of decency is now on display whether it’s the NBA [Oh, the heartbreak of evil tattoos!] or whether it’s a rock concert [Put those fucking lighters away, you imbeciles.] or whether it’s on a movie set. [ Yeah, ANY movie set. Moving pictures = pure EVIL. ]

The fourth, and this was harder, now I know you’re going to challenge me on this one, but politics and government [Isn’t that “fourth” and fifth?] was the next to fall.  You say, ‘You would think they would be the first to fall, as fallible as we are in politics,’ [What? The? Fuck? You mean it’s not Satan’s fault after all that???  You’re a fucking lunatic, dude.] but people in political life get elected by ordinary folks from lots of places all over the country where the foundations of this country are still strong. So while we may certainly have had examples, the body politic held up fairly well up until the last couple of decades, but it is falling too.

I know what you’re thinking.

Where the hell are those tacos…

Satan Slams Santorum

 Posted by on February 23, 2012 at 9:22 AM
Feb 232012
 

Satan lost his cool on Capital Hill again; and hell yes his pants were on fire.

CAPITAL HILL, WASHINGTON D.C. —  An angrier than usual Satan held forth nearly thirty minutes in the Capital Rotunda earlier today, repeatedly blasting Republican presidential candidate Richard John Santorum as a “pussified Christian wanna-be” who has frequently tried to use Satan’s fearsome notoriety to win over low information Christians voters.

The cosmically insane but ever popular Christian icon was again being interviewed by FAUX NEWS when his fiery shouting attracted numerous other journos in the rotunda, including us.

The most recent furor apparently began earlier in the week when Right Wing Watch published excerpts from a 2008 Santorum speech in which he made a number of surprisingly specific statements regarding the fallen angelic rebel’s plans:

“Satan has his sights on the United States of America!  Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has [sic] so deeply rooted in the American tradition.

“This is a spiritual war.  And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on:  a good, decent, powerful, influential country — the United States of America.  If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?  There is no one else to go after other than the United States, and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

We couldn’t help but stick our mic into the conversation too:

SATAN:  “Ricky Santorum is no more a Christian than I am, you fools!  He’s a pussified Christian wanna-be who doesn’t have a fucking clue what I “set my sights on.”

FAUX NEWS: Well, if your sights are not set on America, what are they set on?

SATAN:  Rick Santorum, you imbecile!

FAUX NEWS:  Ah.  So, if I could explain how—

SATAN(interrupts) NO!!  Just Shut the Fuck Up!  This is my interview.

FAUX NEWS: But I didn’t—

SATAN: (interrupts) You didn’t understand, did you;  because like all mortals, you’re hopelessly fucking ignorant!  Are you still drinking your own fucking cool aid over there at FUX?!? 

Listen to me— I work exclusively with Republicans up here!  Do I have to tell you every time I appear on your backward fucking network that it’s the sulfurous smelling GOPPERS who are the one’s hell-bent on the destruction of the United States?!? 

It’s narcissistic nincompoops like Newton Leroy and wanton washed-up Wackbots like Willard Mittless who are the ones willing to put their selfish personal ambitions ahead of everything— everything!  Is this thing on?!?  Especially the shameless exploitation of their ignorant fucking fellow creatures!  Iiiiii love it!

But it’s truly stupid fundies like Ricky-boy “Pride, Vanity, and Sensuality” Santorum that give ME all the credit for all your own backward fucking mistakes, including every single thing your very own almighty God is doing!!  It’s just insanely Awesome!!  There’s just no fucking way I can refuse such a gift horse—  and speaking of horses, have you actually looked at this guy?!?  I mean yeah,  I have a few bad teeth, but have you seen this guy’s teeth !?!?  Hilarious!

Satan claims he is responsible for making Rick Santorum like telling the “dog pee story.”

FAUX NEWS: It sounds to me like you believe Mr. Santorum’s religious hyperbole is really—

SATAN: (interrupts) Don’t you know who the fuck I am??  How would you like some genital herpes and a foreclosed mortgage?  Do you understand that it’s MY power and influence that makes moron Santorum stand up in front of adults and brag about an incontinent chihuahua pissing all over him?  Dooo you??

FAUX NEWS:  That’s amusing, whatever, okay, but on another topic sir, have you spoken with the anti-Christ Barack Hussein Obama, regarding your plans to begin the Apocalypse?

SATAN: (rubs his forehead before responding)  You know, if I had known just how fucking crazy you Contards would get when I started cultivating hate and fear over at FUX, I would have just sautéed your nutsacks with a Williams-Sonoma kitchen torch until you couldn’t scream anymore.
I am so done with you.*

*It is a widely accepted belief that Satan is actually under contract with Fox News Network, and makes increasingly frequent trips to Capital Hill at their invitation; they can’t seem to get enough of the fear and outrage it generates in their audience base, and the subsequent increase in their ratings.

Satan Stands With Newt

 Posted by on January 23, 2012 at 9:00 PM
Jan 232012
 

The Newter sneaks a glance at his bossman’s flag pin; or was it just tie envy. If you wanna see Newt’s rouge, you must click it.

 

COLUMBIA, S.C. —  Former Luciferian stooge and disgraced fallen angel Satan made a rare personal appearance alongside his boy Newton Leroy Gingrich, and used the occasion to deliver some satanic fire and brimstone on Gingrich’s behalf to a noisy room full of inebriated supporters.

“Newt Gingrich won South Carolina, he will crush Romney and the remaining clown car in Florida, and he will annihilate them in all the other states with a preponderance of racist crackers like you,” jeered the prince of darkness;  the witless crowd roared its approval.

A tubby and imperious Newt stood tight-lipped as Satan continued his incendiary remarks:  “Newt Gingrich is not— as the notorious religious cultist Willard Romney would have you believe, an immoral, hypocritical, womanizing pudge-ball.   I tell you that Newton Leroy Gingrich just happens to be history’s finest example of an amoral narcissistic elitist ever produced by American politics, and that’s why he has my complete support.”

Satan continued, “Romney has been campaigning for five years and has never created any heat, because he has not asked for my help.  But with my support, Newt Gingrich will  bring the heat— and turn your backward little democracy into a giant inferno of change.”

As any knowledgeable historian knows, Satan is popularly known as the personification of evil and is a powerful Christian icon;  more recently he has been a familiar face on Capital Hill.  This was apparently his first public appearance with Gingrich since a mysterious superpac began running ads on South Carolina media claiming Gingrich has made a deal with the Devil for the Republican Party presidential nomination.

Satan refused to take any questions, but did volunteer that without his wicked bad support, Gingrich would be just another lying pseudo-historian/lobbyist loser, and predicted that if conservatives and other fringy ideologues were foolish enough to select Romney, he would go on to lose the 2012 election to Barack Obama in a spectacular landslide.

He concluded his remarks with a long personification of evil glare, saying, “You’ve been warned.”