Just remember pussycats, “simulated drowning” is not torture.
Category: Satire
The Usual Suspects
May the derp with the biggest head win. Click for too close.
WATERLOO, IOWA — Jimmy Joe Johnson, a member of the Iowa GOP’s State Central Committee and a former Iowa adviser to Ricky Santorum, said he spoke with unannounced praisedential candidate Ted Cruz about “tweaking” his economics-heavy message to best win over Iowa conservatives.
“You’ve got to enunciate the moral themes here,” Johnson told him, “Get a bigger cross, and wear it above your flag pin. If you don’t, you’ll lose.” So Ted tweaked it.
You’re probably surprised to see a super-slimmed-down Chris Christie front and center in the lineup. No more than we are; here’s what happened. Six weeks ago Christie promised himself that if he “lost” a little bit in two months, he would lob the rest of his weight into the ring. Nobody asked him whether he meant lose a kilo of cannabis, or cocaine, or human fat; or, you know, lost ground politically in New Jersey. And we’re not sure why losing something is incentive to try and win something, but he swears— a lot— that he lost it; well, actually he swears he’s just no longer looking for it.
And then there’s citizen Ricky Santorum.
On the left end, a cranky little* Marco Rubio won’t shut up about nothing in particular. And on the far right end, crippled Verbal Kint look-alike,** Randy Paul, who is still sniggering over that CPAC thing, is currently berating “potheads” that they’ll stop wanting to show up for work if they smoke all the time, annnnnd, they’ll get stupid and lazy and lose IQ points. But Randy is drawing on real world experience: remember that “Aqua Buddha” episode with his roomie? No? Seriously, NO??
Have you been smoking?
* “Not tall enough to be president.” —Mr. Ann Coulter
** Also “Not tall enough to be president.” —Mr. Ann Coulter
Young MultiMillionaire Arrested
You’re doing it wrong.
CALABASAS, CA — A callow Canadian pop musician residing in the United States on an O-1 visa was arrested in Miami Beach early Thursday morning for a spontaneous performance involving drag racing, driving under the influence of alcohol and other drugs, and resisting arrest— all under the auspices of an expired Georgia driver’s license. Nineteen year old Justin Bieber, who lives in Calabasas, was behind the peddles of a rented chicken-yellow Lamborghini when he was stopped by Miami Police.
Miami denizens say Bieber, who was nearly in a “stupor” from a night of tossing some $75,000 in paper currency onto a nightclub floor, was feeling the need for speed. And if you must know more than that about it, or are just looking for an excuse to take a long shower, go here.
• • •
A dazed and near comatose Wanda Talmage of Calabasas, California sits slumped against a stunning mirrored pillar in The Commons At Calabasas Mall.
The irony of that “chicken-yellow” Lamborghini was not lost on Wanda Talmage, also of Calabasas, California. Until last week, Ms Talmage was blissfully unaware of Justin Bieber; in fact she was so distraught that all she knew for sure was that nearly two dozen of her children were missing, and presumed dead.
Ms Talmage is currently under-employed in a fashionably hip baby chicken mill just off the Ventura Expressway (take the 405 to Ventura, and stay on that until you cross 27, then turn on Mulholland Drive) on the outskirts of trendy Calabasas, the trendy home of numerous trendy and extremely wealthy “Californians,” many of whom have nothing better to do than make wannabe trendy parodies of already trendy parodies.
Want “The Buzz” on Calabasas, eggs and all? Remember, this is time you can’t get back.
In monster chicken sobs, Ms Talmage recounted how she had been tricked into jizzin’ dozens of eggs for a local man named “Ralphs,” and before she knew what was happening, her embryos were whisked away, subsequently to be sold to one of Justin Bieber’s gofers, Arturo Estrada-Steinmetz.
Estrada-Steinmetz* rolled up to Las Bieb’s, and, boyiz will be boyiz, nearly twenty of Ms Talmage’s unborn were soon scrambled against the neighbor’s entryway plaster, with about the same accuracy a short order chef slings hash. The neighbor even has a recording of Bieber hurling the eggs.
Admittedly, Talmage’s case will be difficult to make, let alone prosecute. Beiber’s neighbor, and Miami P.D., not so much.
Of course, not everyone would react as Bieber has to the sudden acquisition of 55 million zemolas fresh out of moist prepubescent pocketbooks from around the world, as well as their undying affection. Nevertheless, he’s quickly fashioning one hell of a cross to bear. Here’s hoping he lives long enough to get the job done.
* Yes, a fictitious foil.
The Tiny Penis Triumvirate
Tucker “Teeny-Weenie” Carlson, Matthew “Mighty Dong” Drudge,
and Sean “Stinger” Hannity with their tiny penis mini-me partners.
Before you know it, it’s going to be February again. And February is Tiny Penis Month, but I bet you knew that. This year, there’s a three way tie for Tiniest Penis In Media, and of course the media is all engorged over it. So lock and load, the “winners” are, in order of phallic magnitude:
Matthew Drudge. In 2006, TIME Magazine named Matthew Drudge one of the 100 most influential people in the world, describing The Drudge Report as “A ludicrous combination of gossip, political intrigue, and extreme weather reports … still put together mostly by the guy who started out as a convenience-store clerk.” Yeah, they forgot “lies,” but.
Sean Hannity. In 2013, Talkers Magazine listed Sean Hannity as #2 on their “Heavy Hundred” list of the 100 most “important” radio talk show hosts in America. Inexplicably, the same magazine gave Hannity their “Freedom of Speech” Award in 2003. And now in 2014, the price of a bucket of warm Elmer Fudd spit has eclipsed the value of their award, as well as any supposed importance of Right Wing Wadio Wackows.
Tucker Carlson. Oh, and every year, Tucker Carlson is an increasingly tiny dick. That is all.
Trouble In McDonaldland
The flagship burger of McDonaldland is the Big Mac, shown above with a list of its ingredients supplied by McDonalds. McDONALDLAND — Refusing to answer questions about Mayor McCheese‘s crack cocaine use, McLisa McComb, a spokeswoman for McDonald’s USA, announced the demise of the online presence of the McResource program, following the solicited appearance on their McWebsite of “unnecessary McViews …
